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(Proverbs 31:25-26)
"She is clothed with strength and dignity; She can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue." |
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| Thursday, September 30, 2004 |
| Feelings About Death |
Hihi... This is my first post at this account at blogspot. I got another blog at xanga.com... But I think I shan't continue there... haha for the simple reason... I forgot the password. Anyway, for those who chanced upon this post or whoever are reading, maybe u might be curious why I have such a title.
Well, basically because I was reading a piece of news just now... about the 4 commando officers and how their treatment of a NS serviceman caused his death. I know this NSman. He studied in the same JC as me and I knew him through a friend. We weren't close friends; merely hi-and-bye friends. However, when I heard abt his death, I was very saddened. Why? Because from my friend, I know that he's a great guy and he's the only son in the family. He's a responsible, fun-loving guy and it's very terrible and tragic that he died due to the neglience of his officers who he must have trusted the most. The news was abt the court proceedings and how the prosecutor questioned the witnesses, bleh bleh. Christine, my best friend, had a very strong reaction to it. And it was only then I knew, Jean, another sister, was very close to En Huai. He's one of her closest friends.
For me, I just felt that the whole thing was such a tragedy... and I just started to question about death. This happened last year and at that time, I also had another encounter with death. This time, it was someone who I knew quite well. He was my ex-boyfriend.. and though I admit, the relationship didn't last very long as we got together for the wrong reasons, he was someone who I shared many experiences with. He brought me to see another world- a world of clubbing, partying, drinking, eating at high-class places, etc. Yeah, maybe it's very 'corrupting'; however I feel that it was because of these experiences, I had a much better immunity and got bored of all this quite fast-- now I don't struggle with all this 'worldly' stuff that much as a Christian. Eh... think I'm tokking rubbish here. Hopefully some ppl can understand.
Well... his death was a real shocker for me for I never expected him to go so fast. I knew he had a terminal illness but it was still too sudden. I started to become fearful for myself as well as I was afraid I might also go suddenly. I didn't want to die so fast as I feel that I have so many things and dreams yet to fulfil and accomplish. My fear got irrational as I knew Eric actually died due to pneumonia which was worsened due to his... nvm... Alot of irrational questions just popped up in my head. With the original slightly melancholic mood I already had, this incident just made my mood spiral down even faster. I really struggled with the fears and I didn't want to tell anyone much about it because... I was afraid. I wanted to just bury everything... to repress all these uphappy memories thus I just carried on, being happy and smiley. haha... well, it just made things worse. Vicious cycle. Well, I was near breaking point when God really tested me with sth.
From there, I realised God knew that I was tiring fast from the efforts I'm putting in so many things and He must have decided that I seriously need to come to terms with my fears. I prayed about it alot (alone) and God just showed me verses after verses to encourage me. Yeah... Well, after taking a short break and thinking things thru plus I went to take my bill of health-which was very clean- and it really helped in just putting down my fears. Thank goodness for God, I think I'll have been freaking out really bad if I wasn't a Christian.
Think I need to sleep soon... I can't tahan liao... I've a migraine that's really splitting my head. Do forgive my grammer or lack of clarity.Labels: a queen thinks |
ranted by Jerraine @ 1:47 AM  |
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