(Proverbs 31:25-26) "She is clothed with strength and dignity; She can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue."
Right now, I am typing my quiet time out in Gelare Cafe in Hougang Mall. Gwen is sitting opposite me but she's studying. I'm supposed to be getting the revision literature notes for my students but I am very poorly inspired. ah yes procrastination is one of my deadliest sins. just to warn you all first, this email is going to be very very rambling. It's going to resemble some sort of my thought processes.
Today, I was doing a quiet time based on Job. I've been sick the past 3 days and I felt like 'Job-like' cos my bout of sickness came fierce and without warning. So my question was what do i do on a bad day? I faithfully wrote down all the things I will do, e.g. go pray la... go enjoy good food la... go call my good friends... arrange a hangout... write cards.. etc etc I tried to be very truthful and tried to rank them in the order I will automatically do whenever I just had a bad day.
Ah ha... for the past 1 week or less, I had just joined a new online social network thingie called Facebook. And it has been the first page I go to whenever I have had a bad day at work. Recently, my students have been getting on my nerves easier. It's making me seriously question whether I have the mental and physical stamina to go through as a teacher. Well, there's a way out. I can go apply to be a teacher in a better school. I have actually been doing some asking around and there are a few schools that are rather interested... but well. I wonder what will happen when teachers start to just go to better schools. What happens to the teachers in schools that are terrible? they get burnt out? then what? they quit teaching? somehow as I was having the time to just think over the past 3 days (that's when i am not being zonked out by the medication i'm taking), i came to a conclusion. somewhat. i am going to REALLY learn how to detach from the stresses of my work. how? by relying and trusting on the Lord. like what Job did. He did not always understand why God did this and that or allowed Satan to do this and that... but he almost always just trusted in God and just simply relied on him. He always sank to his knees and prayed. I wonder how long I pray on my knees...
just some thoughts... wanna know more then just ask me lo.
Jeremiah 26:8-15 - where do we aim our faith? Do we aim our faith at Jesus or something else? Let's think about this when we are in shooting practice. During shooting practice, it takes some practice to aim and make sure our scope is aimed at the target before we shoot. Generally, with some practice, it's not too hard to shoot the target. Yet, when we are out on the REAL battlefield, aiming for the target is much harder. There will be many distractions ie, bombings, other machine guns' sounds, your friends getting hurt, etc. You might also be pushed around you might be lying or sitting in an awkward position. How is our aim then? It's the same for our faith. In reality the scope of our faith is daily being batted about, so that we constantly need to take the time to sit down and recalibrate our sights. If God's people and religious leaders can be distracted during Jeremiah's time, let's take Jeremiah's advice and always stay focused on God. Once we lose sight, it's easy to be led astray... :)
recently, i have been more sick frequently. it's a worrisome sign but well, what can i do much abt besides changing my habits and pray? *shrug* been dreaming a lot in colour lately. sigh. decided to let go of the matter. realized it's not gonna make a difference whether i pursue or not cos... ultimately the friendship is already different. so why seek reassurance? to make it less 'distant'? i'm sorry but i think it went through a pretty irreversible change. i know it's pride speaking... yeah who knows, perhaps 10 years down the road, we can mention this and laugh. but well that's 10 years later... sometimes i wonder... whether am i in love with the idea of being in love? i can be a good analyst for others... but... i hate my analysis of myself. yeah. i hate myself for loving u! dunno who reads this blog nowadaes so... well... hope someone recognizes the song. :P well... guess i am just feeling emo. *shrug* sigh i miss ZM and E. back to exam planning.
the heart makes its own choices often without consulting its fellow partner - the mind - thus often clashes occur resulting in a volatile reciple of tears of frustration bitter thoughts pangs of envy cries of anguish aches of what-will-never-come-to-be pain of letting go luckily... God's gentle hands will envelop all these and massage the heart and mind with His all-encompassing love His love brings everlasting relief Freeing the heart from chains of deceit Allowing the heart to be reunited with the mind Allowing the heart to bid goodbyes to Korean-dramatics Complicated. FULL STOP.
It's been a long day. Today a student broke through the barrier I had with my emotions. I think it showed me how much I need to rely on God and how much I have not been relying on God. I cried today over a student. And it's not the few-tears-dab-dab-i'm-okay kind. It's the once-i-cry-i-cant-stop kind. I think I am putting way too much hopes and expectations on these students. No. I am not saying I am giving them up. However I forget some lessons are learnt best through the hard way. If the best I can give them is not appreciated, then I have to learn how to step back and wash my hands off it. My door will always be open but I wont be hounding after you. Another lesson learnt through the hard way... or did I?
I realise that when one is feeling emotional... it's good to have a good cry, pray and then go to sleep.
It's not good to stay awake at night for too long when one is emotional... your mind start to go wild with all sorts of unbridled thoughts. and you are too emotional to even try to be disciplined in ur thinking... so SLEEPING is a good idea.
i shall sleep earlier tonight. (no, i am not emo tonight. I just got to wake up at 530am tomorrow.)
So many people came and went in 4 days. Mindblowing... Gonna share bit by bit all the lessons I learnt so far. Basically I am just going to keep it simple. AMEN? AMEN... This week is also going to be the last week of my holidays... and my last week in campus ministry... wooo... thank you God for the conference that helps to prepare my heart for the transition... :)
going to be changing schools from this week onwards... just wanna share with u all sth that really encouraged me todae. my student smsed me this:
For all de times tolerated my nonsense in class, thank you. For all de smiles u gave me, thank you. For all de times u responded to my whims and whines, thank you. For all de tests u gave me, thank you. And most of all, thank you for being dere to give me dat hug of urs! have fun in teck whye.
wah... when i got the sms, I nearly cried. She was not one of the students who were always well-behaved in class; in fact, she liked to talk talk to her friends, gave those mischievious grins when I gave her THE LOOK (to silence them), whined when I gave homework; yet, I talked to her most because she always gave me very honest feedback about how I taught. Sigh... really gonna miss my students... sob SOB. Hopefully I would continue to invest my passion and patience in the new school!!! *prayers*
Gazing at your silhouette It looks lonely and too pale I really wish to accompany you To walk past these crowds and noise
When the sky turns grey Your sadness comes in waves I really wish to walk into Your heart that is heavily chained up
I am always waiting for you behind you Waiting for you to turn and see me My smile will bring you and happiness I will take all your sadness Everything that is about you I will keep and cherish it
Waiting for the day you will notice me Even if I am just a little speck of dust in your world I will still give you all my light and warmth
I gather my courage and shout to you You must hear this I will not allow you to be alone again I want you to hug the warmth I give you
... This is one of the many love songs that God has been singing to me but I have been ignoring him... Listening to this song, the queen cried. She cried and cried for the number of times she rejected to listen and to pay attention. Thank you God for never giving up...
just like to share some thoughts that went through my head as I was listening to the Positive Choice thought yesterday...
Love actually speaks in a different language that we're often not used to. Thus we often try to find ways to shape love to speak in the ways we are used to...
Our definition of love is usually warped by our beliefs and attitudes. Do we evaluate whether our definition is based on purity and faith?
Is it too hard to practise abstinence or too hard to change our need to be instantly gratified?
A proper courtship has often become redundant to the world as people get more and more obsessed with the idea of efficiency.
errant thoughts lack of will to bring them back allowing the tide of hopeless to wash onto the pristine white shores slowly eroding the sandcastles built by innocent hands bit by bit the pull lessens inch by inch the tide takes less away the mind police arrives and arrests the fugitives imprisoning them into a corrective center yet knowing escape will happen again.
have been feeling irritated the whole day today. barely kept my temper in check especially when errant students forgot to bring their work, books, etc. had to remind myself that i need to show them grace at least a few times. as i looked at how some students misbehaved in class, i wonder whether i really have the capacity to be a teacher. i doubt whether i have the love and patience to bear with them. i am now teaching in a rather good school where errant students are the exception. how do i tough it out in schools when rebellious students are the norm? *ponder* i really admire those teachers who have been teaching for so long. i think i also start to understand how teachers gradually get jaded and lose their passion... if we as teachers start to lose our perspective and be very negative, it's really in a matter of seconds before we just teach for the sake of teaching. i dun wanna end up like that... sigh. God, please help me to be surrendered and to trust in you. help me to be patient and not lose my passion to teach. help me not to be harrassed by little 'civilian affairs'. help me to remember with gratitude how I get the chance to teach. amen. aniwaes... pls also pray for me to remain undistracted and focused. thanks.
recently been talking quite a bit to my colleague who is fast becoming quite a good friend. as i chatted with her and listened to her stories, i was reminded of my own stories. my stories of late had been about my struggles with discipline and health... but my stories of past had a different inclination. heh. i could almost feel tendrils of unpleasant and pleasant memories caressing the back of my sub-conscious, threatening to break into the open. well, i could not 'tahan' the itch... so i opened the floodgate willingly. it made me once again amazed by how God has protected me so much. I think I said this before but I seriously think that I would not be alive right now if I had not been a Christian since JC. I did plenty of wild things in the past... do I regret them? somewhat... the experiences i went through has tainted my heart, mind and the repercussions are quite permanent aka my health. yet... if i did not have this experience, i think i would be a lot more prideful about my own abilities and be so much more harder to humble. ... yeah... shall go back to marking... :)
You strive to maintain harmony in relationships, and usually succeed. Articulate and enthusiastic, you are good at making personal connections. Sometimes you idealize relationships too much - and end up being let down. You find the most energy and comfort in social situations ... where you shine.
You would make a good writer, human resources director, or psychologist.
YEAH!!!!!!!!!!! I TURNED 23~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ha. people will think turning one year older is not anything great... BUT! for me... Thank you God for making my life so unique and exciting. Thanks for the friendships... Thanks for taking care of me. Thanks for keeping me safe and relatively physically unscathed. :) Thanks for providing a sturdy roof over my head, a valuable education, a crime-much-less country (though I was robbed once, met a flasher thrice, etc. ha), hygenic and dieseaseless place. Thanks for letting me know You at a young age. Thanks for always believing in me and loving me so unconditionally. Thanks for protecting me from being even more emotionally hurt by the world. Thanks for my loving parents and siblings (they may not be perfect... but neither am i.) Thanks for all the leaders who have led me... Soocheng, Rachel, Mel, Yvette, Zhengfang, Celine, Clara, Irene, Jayne, Vanessa, Joyce, Karen... wow. I am so blessed. Thanks for letting me be in CAMPUS ministry! (Soon, I wanna go TEENS! haha) Thanks for giving me all the trials to make me stronger and a (hopefully) better person. I love you!
More updates... hopefully with photos of my hangout tml soon!
nothing is sadder than not being able to be with the one you love with all your heart. nothing is happier than being close to the one you love with all your heart. woke up from a sad dream and my quiet time was rather reflective. the year is coming to an end le... like what john said... how many times have i not been with God? and He loves me with all His heart and attention. I can get so touched and cry so much when I watch serials which depict such pure love... but do I get constantly touched and grateful for God's love for me?
yet another untitled poem:
Almost tasting the tears I cried Slightly sweet yet also salty Looking back at the footprints on the sand slowly disappearing underneath the waves
The sea breeze feels the same gusty with a tinge of warmth yet I shudder from the emptiness in my heart
Looking at the fire dissolving in the waters I wish for the darkness to continue Fear for daybreak to come Fear of waking up and not seeing you besides me Fear of not being able to hold your hand again
Goodbyes left unsaid Leaving behind the sweet dreams forever...
