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(Proverbs 31:25-26)
"She is clothed with strength and dignity; She can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue." |
| Tunes in My Head |
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| Thursday, July 14, 2005 |
| Insecurity speaking? Or lack of trust? Or ... ? |
Eh... dunno why... was on the way home with Jen today and talked abt expectations for our future partner. Her expectation is someone who she can 'click' with while mine is someone who can 'lead' me... abit different yet not that different too. As we talked, it was quite a shock to myself that I'm pretty negative abt such things. I'm pretty positive that most girls will get married or at least get a partner and I do believe in true love, love at first sight, blah blah. But I just don't believe it will ever happen to me. Zilch. haha... A cynical romantic? Oxymoronic ah...
Been getting feedback on how to tone down... and I do believe that it's good for me 'cos I believe it ties down to my basic weakness in discipline - e.g. needing to remember to listen before I speak, speak slower so that people can understand, speak at lower volume to be considerate, etc etc. And haha... think I got some funny thoughts... I realised that I am quite pessimistic abt myself ever falling in love again. And I think I realised this after a long talk with my best friend recently. She's someone who can be realli rational and logical; yet when she falls in love, it's a long long time and she can be pretty emotional about it. For me, I am the typical 'once snake bitten, many times shy'. And I think this affects my relationship for God at times. Especially since I am trying to work on bringing my relationship with God to the 'husband-wife' stage. I think I love God alot - but mind at least much more than from the heart. Abit complicated to understand? Well, I am still trying to understand. Somehow, I think my insecurities also play a major part in this inability for me to trust fully in any love for myself. I think i might have even grown secure in my insecurity that it's pretty hard for me to change my automatic tendencies in just a few years.
I think this has been a summary of how I felt on and off for some time. And this onslaught of thoughts came when I was journaling... why am I insecure at time to reach out to my friends? Because I am afraid my lack of faith in God's love for myself will be obvious. And how does that show? Through my worrying... and my tendency to try to want to control things. I want to make and grow disciples... but thoughts of me falling away is at the back of my mind even. It seems like I am entertaining the idea of wanting to make and grow disciples to so-called take my place when I fall away. Some kind of warped motivation eh?
I dunno whether this is too negative-sounding... I am just putting down all the thoughts running through my head. Like what I said... there seems to be an onslaught going on. And I think i hardly pencilled half of them down - blogwise or journalwise. I feel grateful that at least I can work on these on a constructive bent... I realli need to find security in myself... that I am worth loving. I believe that will help me to keep to my desire to have a healthy lifestyle. Think I will try to share more abt the health lifestyle change I wanna make when I finish reading the book. Pretty happy that I am learning sth new or rather sth that I lost... just having a pure giving heart and not seeking people's approval. I think under my happy-go-lucky attitude... I have a problem with letting go some pasts... and mosly have to do with relationships. Loving people unconditionally is HARD! Trusting people after they hurt you... is even HARDER!
Thank you God for putting me into the kingdom. I think I will be nuts if I'm thinking all these without You by my side. Just cant imagine that actually I am quite vulnerable to verbal sparring sometimes... maybe I learnt to act okay for too long liao. Blehz.
Thank you for loving me and showing me that I can be worth loving even if I am talentless. Please help me to continue my fight to change into a better disciple. I can see my goal finally... thanks.
The End. |
ranted by Jerraine @ 1:02 AM  |
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