| Royal Hearing |
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(Proverbs 31:25-26)
"She is clothed with strength and dignity; She can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue." |
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| Friday, February 10, 2006 |
| Victoria |
Erm... as a disclaimer or what not, this entry is gonna be pretty upfront and direct. So if you feel that you wun be able to handle knowing so much about Victoria, please do not read the following entry. Yeah I know I am paradoxical. But this is my blog so humour me.
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Yeah... it's funny hor? This blog is supposed to help me know more about myself and also for other people to know more about me but yet I am still cynical whether people can accept the real me. Cos I cant stand myself sometimes.
After reading Marilyn's latest blog entry, I totally agree with her. Writing serves the same purpose for me as like verbal expression. When I talk or write, I find myself able to organise and to analyze what is really ticking behind that big hoo-ha I am feeling. However, writing enables me to place a certain distance from people as I type out how I feel. I am still uncomfortable expressing my negative side in front of other people. Me a fake-o? Yeah maybe. One reason why I can't stand myself sometimes... I can tear like crap over here yet I can still converse with people over MSN with a nonchalant attitude. Such is the anonymoity of emotions over the internet. And yah... sometimes I hope that my blog can help people see that Victoria is not just happy-go-lucky... though it's hard for me to say that when u ask me in person. lol.
Have been having migraines for the past 4 days. It's very annoying and very physically draining cos I have to keep my brain functioning despite the pain I am feeling. Also have to keep reminding myself to be outward focused and not focus on my migraine... It's a coping mechanism for me. Yesterday, I went to see my specialist as I also had ran out of my migraine medication (side note: they are so EX!!!). Then my doctor dropped the bomb. The CT bomb. Basically, if my migraines continues, I need to go for a full checkup again (which costs alot of $$!!) and if they can't find anything wrong with me... I have to go for CT scan.... argh. I hate medical bills. They eat my money so fast. Sigh and I am supposed to be working on improving my health this year as part of my New Year resolution. So why my migraines are back again? Am I feeling going through a period of emotional upheaval again? Eh... dun think so. Am I going through a period of stress again? Eh... think so. Why? Because this is my last semester. Eh? Thought I am going to continue? Nope. I have decided to graduate with BA. So this decision stresses me out? Eh... not really indirectly maybe because this is my last semester to pull up my grades and to shine as a disciple on campus. So how come so stressed? Because I am taking 5 modules and 4 of them are 4000-level honours modules which require alot of thinking, reading and analyzing. And all these can only be done with discipline and self-control. And what is my top character sin? Ill-discipline!! ... This can continue and continue and continue. But basically I find myself worrying alot again. Me a typical worrywart. So auntyish right?
And yeah... as Valentine's Day draws near, I think of someone again. And the decision for me to throw away the ring still pulls at my heartstrings. Because it was given on my Valentine's Day. Bleahz. Argh... can't stand the emotion rollercoaster I am on. Suddenly feeling so utterly despaired. And the next moment, excited. Next moment, despondent. Next moment, feeling the adrenaline rush. AHHHHHHH. I am feeling so ______________ please fill in the blanks for me. |
ranted by Jerraine @ 12:23 PM  |
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