| Royal Hearing |
|
|
| Favourite |
(Proverbs 31:25-26)
"She is clothed with strength and dignity; She can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue." |
| Tunes in My Head |
Create your own Friend Test here |
|
| Tuesday, June 07, 2005 |
| emotional victoria? |
Just getting abit irritated at myself recently. Been experiencing mood swings now and then the past few days. Think it's hormones talking bah. Or it's just a side of me coming out that I dun like to see. Have been trying to unearth the real victoria for quite some time. must sae that the journey has been pretty eventful - many painful memories, many happy memories, many many many memories. Hurts that I needed to face, insecurities that I have to confess, character flaws that I need to change in, strengths that I need to recognize in myself, the talents that I have. Basically, making myself vulnerable in order to see all this. It's very hard as I've been successfully living under a facade for so long and it's hard to differentiate which is fake and which is real cos it feels almost the same. Being sad is something not easy for me... I can be sad for a while e.g. one day but I find it such a burden to be sad for a prolonged time e.g. more than 3 days. Thus, I will hurry up to heal and ... all this defense mechanisms made me not a very deep person lah. have been trying to change since last year and the workshop was particularly good in awakening the motivation to want to change to full fire instead of a flickering flame that it had turned to before the workshop.
However, the full fire seems to be burning out as well... or rather I'm just tired. feels easily discouraged and affected by things happening around me. Maybe this is the a side of the new victoria. or maybe i am just tired of having to remind myself to be disciplined, having to speak slowly and having to just change something in me that is so inherent. It's like i am not just discovering what makes me tick but also trying to let god mould out a new victoria. think i am trying to do too many things at once. yeah. think i should just concentrate on one aspect that i wanna change in and not trying to change on so many levels. feel that as i am trying to change, i sort of lost sight of god as a husband... keep seeing him as a teacher and i find myself feeling guilty whenever i dun see myself changing fast enough. am i changing for god in order to go heaven? or am i changing because i love god? or what? feel tat my relationship with god is becoming more and more like a teacher and student...
thus i think i gonna take a break and just rebuild my relationship with god... need to love him as a husband again... want to see that god can play many roles in my life and the role that He wants to play the most is to be my hubby! haha. sigh feel good after writing this down in blog and in my journal... writing is really good for me. helps me to focus and not get distracted.
aniwaes, i will post up more photos when i remember... lol. keep forgetting. |
ranted by Jerraine @ 11:21 AM  |
|
|
|
|
|
