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(Proverbs 31:25-26)
"She is clothed with strength and dignity; She can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue." |
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| Saturday, October 22, 2005 |
| Some thoughts about my week |
Eh... think my past few daes I have been feeling abit like on rollercoaster. My moods have been swinging up and down like a pendulum on a hyper mode. Think it's a combination of stress over deadlines, exams, hormones, memories, regrets, etc. Basically, it's like a great melting pot.
I think I even felt more melancholic after reading Marilyn's blog. (Eh Mari, your entry was inspiring. It's just that after reading it, alot of feelings came out lahz. ) It was an entry about how friendship need to go through many many tests and how friendships dun really start from just sparks of first-impression chemistry. (yes... this is a previously non-existent phrase. I invented it can?) And I realised... quite many of my friendships in the past can be counted as good-time friendships. And there are still very very few people I can trust to be totally myself. People know me as someone who has many many friends and seemingly a lot of close friends. But actually... after thinking about it hard and deep (I even reflected on it on one whole morning!!), I really have to face the fact that I am truly a coward when it comes to relationships. I am pretty good at protecting myself in a subtle way. At the moment someone close to me does something that's hurt me or made me feel that my frenship with that person is rather 'constipated' (basically meaning stuck @ a stage), I tend to withdraw from the person. 'Cos I need to think whether I wanna continue to be vulnerable to the person. I have the 'once bitten, still okay... thrice bitten, byebye' mindset. I just lack the courage to trust others totally. Been betrayed too much from people who were close to me. But well, what's my definition of too much? And Jesus been betrayed by ALL his disciples when they deserted Him, yet... He still wants to trust them and die for them. And here I am, being a coward to love others. Fortunately, God has put some people in my life who is quite an inspiration in the area of loving others. And God has also put some people in my life who loves me even though I had hurt them many times. I think I need to make a decision soon about resolving a conflict with a ex-best friend soon. Otherwise, it's gonna just gnaw at my heart continually. And to also learn how to be more real abt my feelings. I am still too good at hiding how I really feel. Maybe one reason to my low self-awareness in some situations... self-inhibition??
and yeah... i agree abt Friendster... I also have many many friends... haha. but after adding them or they adding me... we never contact. duhz right? lol. it's like we are just being sentimental at one moment, but the mundane routine of life just make us forget it just like that. I think I can sum it up with this translated quote: "If you have no heart; no matter how touching the moment of reunion can be, that moment of fate will just become a passing memory." - anonymous.
And today, I learnt something at my cousin's wedding dinner. It was pretty same old boring kind of wedding if not for the curious table arrangement. My family was invited as my mother's nephew was getting married todae. And strangely enough, almost everyone on my mother's side was sitting @ the back. At first, I was a bit annoyed at the seeming breach of politeness. But what my dad said made sense. ("Basically, we also dunno what's the reason of the seating arrangement so just sit and dont think too much.") And it's true. Why was I so quick to judge? Sighz. But well, one of my uncles from the other grandmother (for those in the uninitiated, my maternal grandfather had 2 wives. my mother is from the younger wife side.) wasn't happy abt the seating arrangement and felt that my second uncle was snubbing him. but well... this uncle of mine is like the second youngest; my other older uncles were also seated at the back as well... i think he took issue that why 2 of the brothers were sitting in front. My second uncle realised his lack of sensitivity in the seating arrangements and came to explain that he had his uncles on his wives' side of family and he had his customers sitting in front. My second uncle worked in a big company with the other uncles and as this was his only son's wedding; he also invited those old clients. but basically my second uncle explained the reasons behind the seating arrangements but my ninth uncle was still not appeased and kept on grumbling. My second uncle was not known for his patient temper and sparks flew. My mother and my eighth aunt immediately sprung into action (literally) as they were sitting nearby to defuse the situation. It made me realise that:
1) being odler doesn't made one more mature (i know this already lah!) >br> 2) big families have a lot of hidden problems (my maternal side has 11 uncles and 9 aunts.)
3) being in a family business sure bring many politics
4) when I ever get married, I wont invite so many people!!
5) things dun only have one perspective. there are many many perspectives that need to be considered.
6> quick emotional judgments are often unwise. 7) etc.
Well, it definitely added some drama to a otherwise ordinary wedding dinner and it certainly also made me realise several things. I also saw one of my married cousins got so drunk that she was literally sleeping in the toilet after that. It was my first time seeing a woman got so drunk. goodness. I had to help to carry her... and I realised when one falls asleep, one becomes an anchor!! luckily her husband was around to carry her home in the end. in the end, a usually boring wedding became rather interesting and dramatic... well... just some thoughts abt the matter.
hmmm think i shld also sleep soon too. |
ranted by Jerraine @ 1:01 AM  |
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