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(Proverbs 31:25-26)
"She is clothed with strength and dignity; She can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue." |
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| Thursday, October 27, 2005 |
| my date with God. |
todae was a interesting dae for me. i finally... HAD time to slow down. the past few daes, i've been rushing here and there and my 'take-a-break' times are often used in doing more things... like playing dota or just reaching out or just spending time with my friends. and i was also rushing or always keeping in mind the schedule i need to follow to meet my deadlines... to meet my project mates, meet my professors, go library print notes, meet my project mates again, print more notes... go buy presents... go spend time with brother and sister, go marketing for mommy, do household chores, go work... etc... *brake* eh... yeah from what u can see from above... God is not exactly in the picture. yeah... and i need to confess here that i've not been doing my self-reflection time for a long time. for about 2 weeks. and thus... when i finally did it todae after i handed in yet another essay at 3pm.
i finally had a date with God. it was at orchard foodcourt albeit abit noisy but well, with my mp3 player playing devotional songs, it was quite easy to get into my reflective mood. before i start the date, i prayed for no distraction. been sooo caught up in doing doing doing things... i have not been thinking deeply about myself again. i realised that i am going back to my same old pattern again. wanting to listen to other ppl's problem but not realli talking abt my own. and i onli talked abt it when i
1) have already solved it. (or so i thot.)
2) already managed to convert it to less intense emotions.
3) already found a way to summarize it.
I am quite good ah... in being a brilliant emotional escape artist. and to be truthful, i have been keeping myself busy again as i wanted to make sure i dun wanna get emotional in my time of 'deadlines'. on the 18th, it was ZM's birthdae... on the 22th, it was Eric's birthdae. and sadly... both of them had already left this world. and... i think it's unlikely to meet them in Heaven. yeah. i need to face this fact and not feel so guilty over it anymore. it's worldly guilt. guilt that doesn't spur me into action. and i was also feeling the same kind of guilt for my 5-year plan. so far... i think only one thing has been seeing some consistiency. that's my budget and dieting. now i am doing discipline on time... but well... sigh not doing so well on that area as well... otherwise i will just need to rush. in my 5-year plan, i had made grand plans to invite my brother and sister. i am supposed to be studying bible with my brother by now. but eh... *cricket sounds* i have been just doing the minimum. have i been praying hard abt it? no. have i been fasting for it? no. have i talked to ppl on how to keep me accountable abt it? no. SO... WHAT HAVE I BEEN DOING? basically nothing. sighz. SO... on last sundae... i decided to bring my brother to a game of dota. yeah i got scolded by my mom abt it and also even more when she knew it was with my church friends. well... hmmm. sighz.
also talked to God abt my heart. feel like my heart is getting self-focused again. just wanting to receive and not give. just wanting to give to familiar ppl. sighz. and todae's lesson was good. it talked abt gratefulness and having the right attitude. it was what i was confessing to God as well. God is always so right on abt what I need to hear manz. *AMEN* thanks God. u always amaze me. and... i realised that *drum roll* i am such a un-forgiver. i always think i had let go. yeah right. if i had let go, then why i am always so guarded with some ppl? why am i so quick to judge them? why am i so quick to criticize them? becos i have not forgave them. i've not been able to forgive the hurts, the betrayals, the insensitive things they said. i am abit slow to hurt but once hurt, it stays a much longer time. bad huh? yeah. if God can embrace my mistakes every single second, minute, hour, dae, month, year... why cant i at least try? what's holding me back? and guess what... God put a big reminder to me recently as well. i was meeting Vanessa to pass the candles on Fridae... guess what. I saw my friend who I am supposed to talk to. (which I have been putting off... for abt 1 year? time flies.) and i felt like running away! i was like eh... i dun wanna see u! not that she's ugly to look at. but it's just a reminder of what i need to do. and God jus put her there. and i think... i've been sorely wrong abt sth... there's no such thing as 'i need to prepare my heart first... i need to do other things first... other things my priority now' when it comes to forgiving someone. Dear God, please please help me to be urgent in what I need to do. Please help me to change the word 'need' to 'want'... Please help me to stay focused... and not be distracted. Please help me to do the things I need to do and not get all flustered by any changes... please help me keep a grateful heart and attitude. truly... only a surrendered heart can keep me faithful and loving in all times. please God. I pray to surrender to u my troubles and my dreams. I pray to be truly ur tool to do the things u want to do thru me. please God... thanks.. amen.
sorry folks who's reading this. it can be a bit confusing. cos my mind is abit messy now. many trains of thought are running thru my brain... as usual. well... i am looking forward to spend some time with Jennie tml. Pat, when can we meet ah? i miss u too! if u read this liao, just sms me ur schedule. lol.
think i will just take this time as well... to thank all the sisters and brothers who have helped me to stay faithful. |
ranted by Jerraine @ 12:28 AM  |
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| 2 Comments: |
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hey vic... congrats!! you have someone here who managed to catch what you are talking about :)nah it wasnt messy...glad u thot abt it...hey when can we spend time? :)
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heyhey!! yes yes! eh... next week bahz. haha... think this week... we both crazy. =P
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hey vic... congrats!! you have someone here who managed to catch what you are talking about :)nah it wasnt messy...glad u thot abt it...hey when can we spend time? :)