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(Proverbs 31:25-26)
"She is clothed with strength and dignity; She can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue." |
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| Saturday, January 07, 2006 |
| Repentance |
"Repentance is about changing the mind totally and not about just changing the actions. "
when I heard John, Joyce and some other people who shared this to me, I really agreed with it. This is so easy to understand but yet so hard to carry out. People in the world also can understand this piece of wisdom.
well... come to think about it, I have been quite good at just changing my action... my mind? not really. I have still kept so many secrets in my heart. I am so afraid what is going to happen if I really face them....
yep.... wordly fear really kills the godly faith that is needed in me. I fear so much that often I forget that the worst fear for me is to be dead and end up in Hell. yep. so if i fear so much to change and face the dark areas in my life, I am not going to be able to go to Heaven. Why? Cos I fear change more than I fear God.
I am afraid to admit the cynical nature of Victoria. People who know me usually know me as this scatter-brained, forgetful, motherly, chatty girl who likes to laugh loud loud and talk loud loud. Most people do not know the monster inside Victoria. The monster that can be self-destructive. The monster that can be so judgemental and harsh on others. The monster that longs to manipulate other people just to satisfy my own needs. Yep... the monster that is in Victoria is very dark and scary. And yes... I know there are also other people with other monsters in themselves. A politically and psychologically correct answer eh? But this monster in me scares even me. I wouldn't share everything... if you want to truly know more, spend time with me. that's if I choose to say or not.
Sometimes I dunno which mask I am wearing. Am I Victoria? Or am I still this 16-year old girl whose dreams have been shattered? Or am I still the 13-year old girl who longs to please all her friends? Or am I the ... ... ... ? I struggle to find out who I am... and when I find out that bit more... I get afraid. Scared and terrified at what I see.
Thanks God for loving me for all the flaws. If I don't ever know your love, who knows where I will end up by now? Thanks for saving my life. I pray that you help to really learn to face the darkness in me and let your light cleanse me. Cos your light can penetrate all darkness. Help me to remember that. Thanks God. |
ranted by Jerraine @ 11:13 PM  |
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