| Royal Hearing |
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(Proverbs 31:25-26)
"She is clothed with strength and dignity; She can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue." |
| Tunes in My Head |
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| Tuesday, July 26, 2005 |
| Fever-Hot...? |
Sigh. Yeah. Sick again. I hate viruses... argh....
Aniwaes... just wanna share abt the evangelism yesterdae. It was great having brothers around so that it could help sistas to reach out to guys... and surprisingly the guys were very reachable. haha... There was a couple of guys who are going to study Psychology... YAY. so it was like instant relatable as I am a *tadah* senior. It was also pretty hard yesterdae... as I had to get used to reaching out without a push event. Usually I reach out to guys cos there's an event going on. This time, even tho we have a hospitality night, but our main focus is on getting to know the person better and building friendship. It was a bit disconcerting at first and I also came to realize that I lost the spontaneity to just wanna be friends with non-Christians. Truly, I am making less and less friends with non-Christians... And I think I fully realize this as I read my journal... I do have alot of non-Christian friends still but all these are from when I was non-Christian. When I became Christian, even my phone list became filled with sistas' and brothers' contacts. I think I too extreme liao... Need to learn how to balance. Thus, when school start I am going to try to have lunch with my friends at least twice a week and to go out with them at least twice a month. I just wanna be a friend who can impact other people positively. And someone who they can depend and trust. (Of course I can't be this to everyone lah.)
I spent time with HX yesterdae and I realised that over the months I learnt quite a few things about healing... I dunno abt the rest but for me... healing needs me to be outward focused. the more I wanna coop myself into a hidden cave, the more I need to try to reach out. God loves me so much that I think i really want to try to share this love with others. And it's in the Bible that I love God with all my heart, mind, soul and reach out to others who may not yet see God's love for them. When I dun share, I am being selfish. I am also actually sinning for God is actually Love. If I dun wanna love people, I know God still loves me but... I also know God will be very sad and disappointed with me.
Yeah... And alot of my negativeness (tht prevents me from reaching out to friends) is due to my insecurity... Just wanna to keep on working on that... =)
Thanks God for being in my life and helping me to change to someone that is willing to allow You to work through me. |
ranted by Jerraine @ 10:18 AM  |
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| Monday, July 25, 2005 |
| Adventure Race & Stomach Flu |
Bleahz... before I go to sleep (pls pray for me; feeling feverish again!), just wanna share abt the past 2 daes before i drag and drag then getting sianz. lol
Aniwaes... Saturdae was very farnie! The bus ride to Harbourfront wasn't v friendly as there was a little conflict between a passenger and a driver but well... add some warmth to the otherwise cold dae. heh. It was pretty cool to see everyone so enthusiastic abt the adventure race! Wah... really grateful that the guys tahan me and Jen. haha... but I felt very happy that people in my team can read maps! haha... I am totally horrible at it. Sometimes correct, sometimes really CMI. It's just fun chatting and just playing and just cheering each other on. Seeing Jen dutifully bringing out her umbrealla whenever got rain... Guoxian buying sugar cane drinks... Jen cheering Andrew's name when Andrew sprinted to get a stamp when we three just shake leg... lol. It was realli fun... It was also cool to see Labrador Park again... after so long. Alot of memories... haha will share next time. (if i remember) It was very relaxing actually the whole thing... cos I think our team not really want to win. hahaha... we even took lunch before we got to our finishing point. We decided to have a nice, hot lunch while the other participants rushed to labrador park in the rain. Then we just talked, shared... and ate. Note that I ate malay rice. malay rice = a lot of chilli and mussels.
Then when we all went to Harbourfront to change to drier clothes and play MunchKins... haha... just v farnie. One of our member v good at playing it... and kena ganged up by the other 3 members. Nearly won alot of times but in the end kena ganged up so never win. lol. We got no 'game morals'. Oops... heh. Then went to spend some time with Wanjun... actually abit brain dead... but it was just good to share with wanjun my struggles and abit of my past. She my new discipler so we are building relationship~
Then Sundae came... and went... with me being in the toilet most of the time. Sigh. Got stomach flu loh... Luckily recovered in time for evangelism this morning. It was just great! It's been some time since I did blitzing on campus... It was quite an experience. And... heh the brothers had to stress to us to reach out to guys. lol. Please pray for all the friends we reached out to! Hope they will have an open heart. =)
Okay... me gotta go. getting more sick... ah.
love, victoria |
| ranted by Jerraine @ 11:33 PM |
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| Friday, July 22, 2005 |
| *koff* *koff* |
Hey...
I am SICK again... down with flu and sore throat again... sian. pls pray for me to be better... aniwaes... this is a photo with my maplestory kakis. haha... cute hor? lol... me will talk more later... need to chase my nose... |
| ranted by Jerraine @ 11:43 AM |
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| Thursday, July 21, 2005 |
| Hysterisis - A night to remember |
Yeah... I am feeling more hyper todae... haha a stark contrast from my previous two postings hor? Anyway, going to just blog down how I feel about the hysterisis... It was such a great night! Even tho there's some small hiccups and me having a miscom with one of my best friends, I think it's really a night to remember (eh... the missing camera is not one of the reasons... ) for a long time. For a very long time, I cant really remember NUS & NTU combining their powers to present such an event... Except maybe 2 years ago at the last Campus Sunday... Looking at the photos made me nostalgic... That time NUS had 20 people - 12 brothers, 8 sisters... Pat was still in church... The poly ministry was still striving very well. I also saw the golden days of campus when they had over 120 people! haha... piang... now we add all the campus students... think we're not even 10 percent man. However, through the event, I think it really unified our purpose - to just wanna let our passion for campus to keep on burning!!
I'm looking forward to the mission classes next week (dunno which one I'm assigned to)... I wanna be able to learn to have consistent motivation and just have different inspirations. I now have one Saturdae badminton thing going on every week and the Settler's Cafe once a month! Yay~ haha. And I may be joining the netball mission group~ Well... I also need to make sure I dun become too action-oriented again... I also need to remind myself that my main focus is NUS! Yay! Okies... going to sign off now... gotta work. lol.
Oh yeah... do check out the team blog of campus at http://campusofccc.blogspot.com.
If you wanna be part of the team, sms/email me. =) |
| ranted by Jerraine @ 11:44 AM |
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| Wednesday, July 20, 2005 |
| Hormones talking... or just Emotions overrun? Or What? |
Weird... Todae I had a good day shopping and running errands with Jen... however, on my way home, I felt this sense of sadness.... loneliness... thus I called... Ling. It made me feel better after talking to a sista who is so faithful and trusting in the Lord. It's just weird how I am feeling... as I'm typing right now... I feel like crying... and I don't know why! Zilch...
Maybe it's hormones... or maybe it's due to my friend... actually... I think I am considering many things. I just feel that I realli have a big problem with relationships. I can't handle them well... whether it's past or present. Ppl seem to think "ah... study psychology one... sure high EQ" or sth similar... I am sorry... I don't think it's true. My relationship with males in general is quite in a mess... except for some cases. My relationship with God still got lotsa improvement needed... it's too many ups & downs. my relationship with my father is not improving as yet... I explained things to him but I think he wont ever apologize at least in the short term. my relationship with ZM... is one of its kind. I think the scar is permanent and here to stay... had a talk with him at Yew Tee... he's doing much betta. Suddenly all the memories just came rushing back... and it's still scrolling around and around in my mind. All the sad, angry, happy, touched memories... I think I am getting too emotional... it must be hormones... Find it hard to be true to myself in front of brothers... always want to gek strong... must gek that I am okay... why am i so gek? so fake? so hypocritical?
I am a Big Fake. Yeah... I wear so many masks... that I lose myself... I dun even know who am I... Was supposed to be finding some parts of myself... but I wanna give up. It's too hard... too tough... too long... Help God... I am sinking into depths of negativity...
Argh... can't stand this... there's two voices in my head... one is the 'negative' voice... one is the 'positive' voice. I am going crazy. Think I should just sleep... and not think too much.
Bye to whoever may read this. Please dun get frightened that I am mentally ill or need help immediately. Just writing down what's going thru in my mind during this time... |
| ranted by Jerraine @ 1:02 AM |
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| Monday, July 18, 2005 |
| Seething... |
ARGHHHH...
He is so unreasonable! How can he just decide and make a decision just because someone told him sth? How come never get back to me? How come never ask me properly? I am 22 years old and yet I'm treated like a KID! I din shout or scream as I wanted to be rational and calm to you in order to argue my case better... But inside me I was seething... I was thinking of how to beat sense into ur head... argh wanted to scream or shout at the unfair state I am in!!!!! argh.. i will share more... when I am in a less uptight state... I need to ... I MUST GO OUT TO VENT MY EMOTIONS! Thank God... so much for helping me to control... If no God... think I will be already out of my mind... |
| ranted by Jerraine @ 12:16 AM |
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| Thursday, July 14, 2005 |
| Insecurity speaking? Or lack of trust? Or ... ? |
Eh... dunno why... was on the way home with Jen today and talked abt expectations for our future partner. Her expectation is someone who she can 'click' with while mine is someone who can 'lead' me... abit different yet not that different too. As we talked, it was quite a shock to myself that I'm pretty negative abt such things. I'm pretty positive that most girls will get married or at least get a partner and I do believe in true love, love at first sight, blah blah. But I just don't believe it will ever happen to me. Zilch. haha... A cynical romantic? Oxymoronic ah...
Been getting feedback on how to tone down... and I do believe that it's good for me 'cos I believe it ties down to my basic weakness in discipline - e.g. needing to remember to listen before I speak, speak slower so that people can understand, speak at lower volume to be considerate, etc etc. And haha... think I got some funny thoughts... I realised that I am quite pessimistic abt myself ever falling in love again. And I think I realised this after a long talk with my best friend recently. She's someone who can be realli rational and logical; yet when she falls in love, it's a long long time and she can be pretty emotional about it. For me, I am the typical 'once snake bitten, many times shy'. And I think this affects my relationship for God at times. Especially since I am trying to work on bringing my relationship with God to the 'husband-wife' stage. I think I love God alot - but mind at least much more than from the heart. Abit complicated to understand? Well, I am still trying to understand. Somehow, I think my insecurities also play a major part in this inability for me to trust fully in any love for myself. I think i might have even grown secure in my insecurity that it's pretty hard for me to change my automatic tendencies in just a few years.
I think this has been a summary of how I felt on and off for some time. And this onslaught of thoughts came when I was journaling... why am I insecure at time to reach out to my friends? Because I am afraid my lack of faith in God's love for myself will be obvious. And how does that show? Through my worrying... and my tendency to try to want to control things. I want to make and grow disciples... but thoughts of me falling away is at the back of my mind even. It seems like I am entertaining the idea of wanting to make and grow disciples to so-called take my place when I fall away. Some kind of warped motivation eh?
I dunno whether this is too negative-sounding... I am just putting down all the thoughts running through my head. Like what I said... there seems to be an onslaught going on. And I think i hardly pencilled half of them down - blogwise or journalwise. I feel grateful that at least I can work on these on a constructive bent... I realli need to find security in myself... that I am worth loving. I believe that will help me to keep to my desire to have a healthy lifestyle. Think I will try to share more abt the health lifestyle change I wanna make when I finish reading the book. Pretty happy that I am learning sth new or rather sth that I lost... just having a pure giving heart and not seeking people's approval. I think under my happy-go-lucky attitude... I have a problem with letting go some pasts... and mosly have to do with relationships. Loving people unconditionally is HARD! Trusting people after they hurt you... is even HARDER!
Thank you God for putting me into the kingdom. I think I will be nuts if I'm thinking all these without You by my side. Just cant imagine that actually I am quite vulnerable to verbal sparring sometimes... maybe I learnt to act okay for too long liao. Blehz.
Thank you for loving me and showing me that I can be worth loving even if I am talentless. Please help me to continue my fight to change into a better disciple. I can see my goal finally... thanks.
The End. |
| ranted by Jerraine @ 1:02 AM |
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| Tuesday, July 12, 2005 |
| "Evangel" - Spreading the Good News |
Hi peeps,
think I sorta neglected my blog again... been sick on and off and spread to so much people... goodness, i think the virus that struck me was realli active... then i lost my voice recently. Well, I think losing my voice was pretty good (not that it helped made things more peaceful) but it helped me to want to be more outward-focused as i turned to writing cards to take my mind off my self-pitying tendencies.
... and i took the time to listen to nature that dae. din share this with anyone yet (exclusive on my blog!) but went down to the park to listen to the insects and birds. i felt that it was good for me as that dae we were supposed to have the special weekend and it aided me in preparing my heart for it. As usual, the lesson was thought-provoking and it made me realise that sometimes without such special lessons, i may never realli face the questions or issues i have face-on as i can get myself busy with other things. do i feel truly so grateful for everything that God has blessed me with that i am 'overflowing' with good news that i wanna share? for me, i think evangelism has gotten to the point that unless i have something that i think is truly impacting and great then i will want to share e.g. special events. i seem to feel that i need to have an attractive package... i realised i lack the past simple zeal when i just wanted people to know this God who is so loving and merciful. and i have a fear when i am with my friends... i fear to be too christian... piang then i caught myself. what is this 'too christian'? John's words sounded in my head. am i letting my light shine only to people i choose because i am afraid of some ppl's reaction? who am i more afraid of? God or people?
As i flipped through some of my old entries... wah... i lost the passion to go all out for my friends. and i think i spent less than 10 percent of my total time on them. i spent so much time working, family, then i distributed the time between church commitments and campus events... bleh... bad time management was my bane. was so busy rushing here and there i felt i had no time even for myself.
well...as the new semester is coming, i think i need to schedule my time properly... need to ask God for alot of advice. aniwaes... need to head back to work. blehz. |
| ranted by Jerraine @ 2:17 PM |
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