| Royal Hearing |
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(Proverbs 31:25-26)
"She is clothed with strength and dignity; She can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue." |
| Tunes in My Head |
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| Thursday, October 27, 2005 |
| my date with God. |
todae was a interesting dae for me. i finally... HAD time to slow down. the past few daes, i've been rushing here and there and my 'take-a-break' times are often used in doing more things... like playing dota or just reaching out or just spending time with my friends. and i was also rushing or always keeping in mind the schedule i need to follow to meet my deadlines... to meet my project mates, meet my professors, go library print notes, meet my project mates again, print more notes... go buy presents... go spend time with brother and sister, go marketing for mommy, do household chores, go work... etc... *brake* eh... yeah from what u can see from above... God is not exactly in the picture. yeah... and i need to confess here that i've not been doing my self-reflection time for a long time. for about 2 weeks. and thus... when i finally did it todae after i handed in yet another essay at 3pm.
i finally had a date with God. it was at orchard foodcourt albeit abit noisy but well, with my mp3 player playing devotional songs, it was quite easy to get into my reflective mood. before i start the date, i prayed for no distraction. been sooo caught up in doing doing doing things... i have not been thinking deeply about myself again. i realised that i am going back to my same old pattern again. wanting to listen to other ppl's problem but not realli talking abt my own. and i onli talked abt it when i
1) have already solved it. (or so i thot.)
2) already managed to convert it to less intense emotions.
3) already found a way to summarize it.
I am quite good ah... in being a brilliant emotional escape artist. and to be truthful, i have been keeping myself busy again as i wanted to make sure i dun wanna get emotional in my time of 'deadlines'. on the 18th, it was ZM's birthdae... on the 22th, it was Eric's birthdae. and sadly... both of them had already left this world. and... i think it's unlikely to meet them in Heaven. yeah. i need to face this fact and not feel so guilty over it anymore. it's worldly guilt. guilt that doesn't spur me into action. and i was also feeling the same kind of guilt for my 5-year plan. so far... i think only one thing has been seeing some consistiency. that's my budget and dieting. now i am doing discipline on time... but well... sigh not doing so well on that area as well... otherwise i will just need to rush. in my 5-year plan, i had made grand plans to invite my brother and sister. i am supposed to be studying bible with my brother by now. but eh... *cricket sounds* i have been just doing the minimum. have i been praying hard abt it? no. have i been fasting for it? no. have i talked to ppl on how to keep me accountable abt it? no. SO... WHAT HAVE I BEEN DOING? basically nothing. sighz. SO... on last sundae... i decided to bring my brother to a game of dota. yeah i got scolded by my mom abt it and also even more when she knew it was with my church friends. well... hmmm. sighz.
also talked to God abt my heart. feel like my heart is getting self-focused again. just wanting to receive and not give. just wanting to give to familiar ppl. sighz. and todae's lesson was good. it talked abt gratefulness and having the right attitude. it was what i was confessing to God as well. God is always so right on abt what I need to hear manz. *AMEN* thanks God. u always amaze me. and... i realised that *drum roll* i am such a un-forgiver. i always think i had let go. yeah right. if i had let go, then why i am always so guarded with some ppl? why am i so quick to judge them? why am i so quick to criticize them? becos i have not forgave them. i've not been able to forgive the hurts, the betrayals, the insensitive things they said. i am abit slow to hurt but once hurt, it stays a much longer time. bad huh? yeah. if God can embrace my mistakes every single second, minute, hour, dae, month, year... why cant i at least try? what's holding me back? and guess what... God put a big reminder to me recently as well. i was meeting Vanessa to pass the candles on Fridae... guess what. I saw my friend who I am supposed to talk to. (which I have been putting off... for abt 1 year? time flies.) and i felt like running away! i was like eh... i dun wanna see u! not that she's ugly to look at. but it's just a reminder of what i need to do. and God jus put her there. and i think... i've been sorely wrong abt sth... there's no such thing as 'i need to prepare my heart first... i need to do other things first... other things my priority now' when it comes to forgiving someone. Dear God, please please help me to be urgent in what I need to do. Please help me to change the word 'need' to 'want'... Please help me to stay focused... and not be distracted. Please help me to do the things I need to do and not get all flustered by any changes... please help me keep a grateful heart and attitude. truly... only a surrendered heart can keep me faithful and loving in all times. please God. I pray to surrender to u my troubles and my dreams. I pray to be truly ur tool to do the things u want to do thru me. please God... thanks.. amen.
sorry folks who's reading this. it can be a bit confusing. cos my mind is abit messy now. many trains of thought are running thru my brain... as usual. well... i am looking forward to spend some time with Jennie tml. Pat, when can we meet ah? i miss u too! if u read this liao, just sms me ur schedule. lol.
think i will just take this time as well... to thank all the sisters and brothers who have helped me to stay faithful. |
ranted by Jerraine @ 12:28 AM  |
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| Tuesday, October 25, 2005 |
| alert alert... |
system overload. system overload.
victoria's brain is crashing.
*beeeeeep* |
| ranted by Jerraine @ 3:28 AM |
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| What's the craizest thing you ever done? |
Eh... this entry is inspired by one of my best frens... Just wanna de-stress by typing this... Ahhh... very stressed by my workload. This week and last week will and had been abit crazy... Just reading and reading and reading and typing and typing and typing. Luckily I got to relak at karaoke on Saturdae and had the date... and played netball on Saturdae. Otherwise, very tempting for me to burn books. =P
Aniwaes... here's a list of the crazy things I did.
1) Going to the Pandan Reservoir with Patricia and going there to scream and shout for about... 5 minutes? In broad day light. On a school day.
2) Dancing at the back of a fast-moving truck. (It was at late late late night.)
3) Flew a kite from the back of the truck. (yes... I flew a kite at midnight with my friends.)
4) Walked home from Hwa Chong Junior College twice to challenge myself. I was curious mah... cos Pat does that quite often last time.
5) Going on the stage in the cruise ship to dance a hula item. ( I was in Secondary Two.)
6) Rolling down a flight of staircase twice. (By accident lah!!)
7) Going on stage with my sister to sing 'Xiao Sha Zhou Yi Hui' when I was 12.
(Obviously... the song super oldie now. =P)
8) Continued to play in a full match even after spraining my ankle and running a fever. (Yeah... we won the game also. =P)
9) Queuing up 5 hours just to get Vaness's autograph for my sister. (Duhz... and he wasn't even my idol!!)
10) Never sleeping for 3 daes. (I was quite zombiefied after that. Brain stopped functioning...)
Eh... there's more lah... haha but think I better dun share too much. Later info overload for others...
Aniwaes... need to go back to reading and studying... sob. it's so early liao. Aniwaes, happy birthdae, Chernyang! haha. |
| ranted by Jerraine @ 2:11 AM |
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| Saturday, October 22, 2005 |
| Some thoughts about my week |
Eh... think my past few daes I have been feeling abit like on rollercoaster. My moods have been swinging up and down like a pendulum on a hyper mode. Think it's a combination of stress over deadlines, exams, hormones, memories, regrets, etc. Basically, it's like a great melting pot.
I think I even felt more melancholic after reading Marilyn's blog. (Eh Mari, your entry was inspiring. It's just that after reading it, alot of feelings came out lahz. ) It was an entry about how friendship need to go through many many tests and how friendships dun really start from just sparks of first-impression chemistry. (yes... this is a previously non-existent phrase. I invented it can?) And I realised... quite many of my friendships in the past can be counted as good-time friendships. And there are still very very few people I can trust to be totally myself. People know me as someone who has many many friends and seemingly a lot of close friends. But actually... after thinking about it hard and deep (I even reflected on it on one whole morning!!), I really have to face the fact that I am truly a coward when it comes to relationships. I am pretty good at protecting myself in a subtle way. At the moment someone close to me does something that's hurt me or made me feel that my frenship with that person is rather 'constipated' (basically meaning stuck @ a stage), I tend to withdraw from the person. 'Cos I need to think whether I wanna continue to be vulnerable to the person. I have the 'once bitten, still okay... thrice bitten, byebye' mindset. I just lack the courage to trust others totally. Been betrayed too much from people who were close to me. But well, what's my definition of too much? And Jesus been betrayed by ALL his disciples when they deserted Him, yet... He still wants to trust them and die for them. And here I am, being a coward to love others. Fortunately, God has put some people in my life who is quite an inspiration in the area of loving others. And God has also put some people in my life who loves me even though I had hurt them many times. I think I need to make a decision soon about resolving a conflict with a ex-best friend soon. Otherwise, it's gonna just gnaw at my heart continually. And to also learn how to be more real abt my feelings. I am still too good at hiding how I really feel. Maybe one reason to my low self-awareness in some situations... self-inhibition??
and yeah... i agree abt Friendster... I also have many many friends... haha. but after adding them or they adding me... we never contact. duhz right? lol. it's like we are just being sentimental at one moment, but the mundane routine of life just make us forget it just like that. I think I can sum it up with this translated quote: "If you have no heart; no matter how touching the moment of reunion can be, that moment of fate will just become a passing memory." - anonymous.
And today, I learnt something at my cousin's wedding dinner. It was pretty same old boring kind of wedding if not for the curious table arrangement. My family was invited as my mother's nephew was getting married todae. And strangely enough, almost everyone on my mother's side was sitting @ the back. At first, I was a bit annoyed at the seeming breach of politeness. But what my dad said made sense. ("Basically, we also dunno what's the reason of the seating arrangement so just sit and dont think too much.") And it's true. Why was I so quick to judge? Sighz. But well, one of my uncles from the other grandmother (for those in the uninitiated, my maternal grandfather had 2 wives. my mother is from the younger wife side.) wasn't happy abt the seating arrangement and felt that my second uncle was snubbing him. but well... this uncle of mine is like the second youngest; my other older uncles were also seated at the back as well... i think he took issue that why 2 of the brothers were sitting in front. My second uncle realised his lack of sensitivity in the seating arrangements and came to explain that he had his uncles on his wives' side of family and he had his customers sitting in front. My second uncle worked in a big company with the other uncles and as this was his only son's wedding; he also invited those old clients. but basically my second uncle explained the reasons behind the seating arrangements but my ninth uncle was still not appeased and kept on grumbling. My second uncle was not known for his patient temper and sparks flew. My mother and my eighth aunt immediately sprung into action (literally) as they were sitting nearby to defuse the situation. It made me realise that:
1) being odler doesn't made one more mature (i know this already lah!) >br> 2) big families have a lot of hidden problems (my maternal side has 11 uncles and 9 aunts.)
3) being in a family business sure bring many politics
4) when I ever get married, I wont invite so many people!!
5) things dun only have one perspective. there are many many perspectives that need to be considered.
6> quick emotional judgments are often unwise. 7) etc.
Well, it definitely added some drama to a otherwise ordinary wedding dinner and it certainly also made me realise several things. I also saw one of my married cousins got so drunk that she was literally sleeping in the toilet after that. It was my first time seeing a woman got so drunk. goodness. I had to help to carry her... and I realised when one falls asleep, one becomes an anchor!! luckily her husband was around to carry her home in the end. in the end, a usually boring wedding became rather interesting and dramatic... well... just some thoughts abt the matter.
hmmm think i shld also sleep soon too. |
| ranted by Jerraine @ 1:01 AM |
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| Monday, October 17, 2005 |
| Tues @ Settler's & Sat @ Sentosa with Chris! |
Yepyep.. me been playing when I shld be studying. lol. haha... well on tuesdae night I met up with my ex-colleagues @ Manulife... somehow we clicked and managed to stay in contact until now. cool eh? So I decided to bring them to a place they nver went before... my favourite games cafe... SETTLER'S! (oei... where's my advertising fee? hehz) I always like to bring ppl there cos the games are fun... and it realli breaks down and melts any strange, awkward barriers. cos... u start to sabo ppl quite fast. lol.
aniwaes... here's the photos. i think i shld sleep soon so i shant type too much. shall leave more to tml. i will talk abt sat tml. =P
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me and kelly. oops... sorry for the sleepy look! haha
the 3 gals~~! Kelly, me and Chris~~ eh.. i not birthdae gal. why am i in the middle? oops. =P
Me, Kelly and Chris again. hee. Andrew took this shot crooked. seems to be adding some erm... style to it? Joanna, what do u think? lol. our NUS resident pro photographer.
Chris and Kelly! with special guest...little dirty miss piggie.
Now the group photo!! =)
Yeah~~ Chris and me! haha... I like this photo due to the colour, the background and i think i just like this photo... haha
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| ranted by Jerraine @ 1:35 AM |
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| Saturday, October 15, 2005 |
| Feeling Emo... |
Well... these few daes have been a bit of rollercoaster ride for me... it's been great journaling but also made me realised i really need to resolve some issues with my ex-best friends i had. or rather just one. She made me doubt many ppl and instead of confronting her abt it, I just ran away from her. There. I admitted my cowardice. I am a coward manz. Sigh. And cowards are not what God want me to be...
Was at service todae... and before that went to sentosa for Chris's birthdae. Met a girl there called Patricia who is Year 3 in NUS. Wow... God is telling me something I felt. Then a sister was baptized todae in church... I was tearing pretty badly... Was reminded of Pat. Yesh.. Pat, if u are reading this... I miss u in church. It's harder to meet up with u... and talk as well. Not that I dun feel close to u anymore but I just miss ur absence. And I dun wanna to miss seeing u in Heaven. *grin*
I think i am in an emo mood also because I am getting stressed by the work load. the demands by my professors are higher... the standards definitely getting higher... and i was told that my jap is terrible... that i might fail if i dun get a b+ for my finals. sighz. i am getting discouraged abt my school work. and my health is also showing warning signs again. Thank God for my decision to revamp my time management. Otherwise I think things will be even more demoralising for me. I pray God that I can continually improve on it... and surrender to You abt it. Thanks. Amen.
Think I wanna go on a fast again. This time... on meat. I think i shld be vegetarian. |
| ranted by Jerraine @ 11:18 PM |
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| Wednesday, October 12, 2005 |
| New Blog Design!! |
Haha... l LOVE the new design... Thanks to Karyan.. She's the one who designed the box and graphics... and after some customization by yours truly... IT's READY!... abit of nightmare cos there was some html and script errors... spent one hour fixing them. bleahz.
Yeah... I know... i shld be studying now. Sigh... so sad. got bad news yesterdae from my Jap teacher. She was telling me that unless I got B+ for my exam... i wont pass at all. sian. and i cant pass/fail this. argh. it's gonna affect my C.A.P which i took so much effort to pull up down again. argggghhhhh...
why did i so gong and take jap 2??? sighz. arrogance... and i din ask for advice enuff... (sorry Father.)
aniwaes... that's quite it... going for midweek later. think i will update later bahz. if i got the time. heh.
love, victoria |
| ranted by Jerraine @ 5:35 PM |
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| Wednesday, October 05, 2005 |
| Regrets |
=Regrets=
Went around smsing ppl abt what's their top things they wanna do and their top two regrets if todae is their last dae... Someone sent back a pretty amazing answer...that he regretted never buying a camera. At first I was like 'wah!! this kind of things also regret...' then the person replied that he doesn't have alot of regrets. And this made me think a long time. Okay from Lavender MRT to Clementi MRT.
I realised that I have a lot of regrets... and alot of my regrets are things that i either never did or never finished accomplishing. Some of my regrets are things I did to others. I think my top most regret will be never trying enough to make an impact on my family abt God. I also regret never reaching out to my friends and ... with some, this regret will stay for a long time. I also regret never putting enough efforts in my studies until too late. I also regret never changing earlier to cause less grief and pain to others. I also regret never resolving issues before it got too complicated. I also regret never saying I forgive you enough. I also regret I never sought forgiveness enough... As I wrote this down... I realised... alot of regrets are due to lack of effort... and a lack of action.
Yeah... I dun wanna go to heaven and have so many regrets! I wanna leave with as less regrets as possible... I know God loves me for what I am... but I also want to have less regrets when I am privileged to see Him. I want to be more disciplined and not waste the fruits of the Holy Spirit that I do have. I may have that bit more patience, that bit more love, but without self-control; all these are nought. I need to start with my schedule and continue my fight to be disciplined as a person. I don't want to come to a stage and regret for what I didn't do. I want to become a person who will be a God-loving, mature person who can be relied on and who is genuinely happy. Yepz.
Okies. back to studying for quiz. =P |
| ranted by Jerraine @ 11:12 PM |
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| Monday, October 03, 2005 |
| Health Scare |
Wah... almost got a health scare todae.
went for CT scan todae... cost me a bomb. sianz.
but well there wasn't anything wrong with me that was new... that is truly good news. However, once again I am reminded that I am at high risk for strokes... sian.
but well, amen to God who have kept me safe so far. thanks!!
had a good time with jen and huiling just chillin' and talking @ the tea room in esplanade. the teas there super nicer... but the prices abit steep. but well, a good eperience.
been having trouble sleeping early... sigh need to rely on sleeping pills... am i getting depressed or sth? or am i just in denial? hmmm
thanks fot all who have been supportive and been my pillar of support when ZM passed away. thanks thanks. that's all, i am gonna try sleep. |
| ranted by Jerraine @ 11:54 PM |
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| A colour test I just took. |
I took this colour test at http://www.colorgenics.com/sps/index.cfm.
It seems to be quite true~! haha... Just read and see loh...
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You are seeking an affectionate relationship, offering fulfillment and happiness. You are capable of powerful emotional enthusiasm. Deep down, you are a kind loving person, always helpful and willing to adapt yourself if necessary to realize the bond of affection that you desire. But you need the same consideration and understanding from others and it is this need that will sometimes hold you back... so let go, trust and you may pleasantly surprised at what happens.
You are looking for excitement and stimulation and you are ready to try anything - but be careful not to take too many risks.
The way things are, you feel that you are stuck in a rut and there is not much you can do about it. You feel frustrated and inhibited but if you can find a way to let yourself go, you may find that things aren't quite so bad as perhaps you thought they were. One consolation is that since you are an extremely emotional individual, with the right person you may be able to release some of that frustration and tension with some mutual tender loving care.
You are being unduly influenced by the situation that is all around you. You do not like the feeling of loneliness and whatever it is that seems to separate you from others. You know that life can be wonderful and you are anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to live it to the full. You therefore resent any restriction or limitations that are being imposed on you and you insist on going it alone.
You wish to be left in peace... no more conflict and no more differences of opinion. In fact you just don't want to be involved in arguments of any shape or form. All you want is for 'them' to get on with it - and to leave you alone. |
| ranted by Jerraine @ 10:22 AM |
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